Chapter 9: Exploration
Broderick and I enjoyed a quick exchange before he left for work, then I made myself a cup of tea to sip on the balcony. I admired the distant greenery while mulling over my options for the day and, ultimately, decided on spending time in nature. Walking around the city would be fun, but too stimulating while trying to clear my mind. I needed to release some pent-up energy before I could take in anything new.
I wriggled my way into some spandex and armed myself with a reusable water bottle found in the kitchen before setting out for my hike. I absorbed nearly two miles of the city’s essence on foot before reaching the natural beauty of Macleay Park. I’d forgotten how jarring it was to go straight from the concrete jungle to the peace and quiet of the trail. It took me a couple minutes to fully relax into the rhythms of the natural world again but, once I did, it was like stepping through a portal.
The tension in my body eased as I inhaled the cool, crisp air and admired the kaleidoscope of foliage around me. Then those soothing sensations triggered the opposite effect in my mind. Fml… Feeling at ease in nature must’ve subdued the gatekeepers of mental anguish, as I walked straight into blaring self-analysis. I was no longer aware of the sights around me; instead, I was deep inside my head. What did I want in life? Did it include kids? Did it include Nate? What would actually make me happy? Lather, rinse, repeat with every question I sought the answer to. In an effort to stop the relentless badgering, I picked up my pace and began to run.
I couldn’t have gone more than a few hundred yards before I felt enough tension in my lower back to stop me in my tracks. When my thoughts shifted to the physical pain I was in, it felt like relief. I gladly traded the furious debate of impossible questions for a throbbing back. I rubbed it vigorously for a minute or two before continuing the trail at a slower pace.
An hour in, hunger was my cue to head back to Broderick’s. The route was dotted with signs for places I wanted to lose myself in- the Japanese Garden, an arboretum, and another park among many. My mind recalled colorful memories of those I’d been to, while my soul hoped a walk through one might lead to enlightenment. I was too hungry and drained to find out, though. My sea level body wasn’t used to hills or high altitude, so I needed to head back to rest and refuel.
I treated my tired muscles to a hot shower with thrusting jets before I finished my leftover Pad Thai straight from the fridge. It seemed Broderick would be doing the same for lunch as there was little more than some nut butter and tequila in there. I made a mental note to pick up a few groceries after I regained my energy.
I never made it to the store, though. I spent the afternoon pondering the questions ignored on my hike until the heavy contemplation fell into napping on the couch. That was a nice change of pace, and I must’ve been out cold as I only awoke when I heard Broderick’s key in the door.
Before we got caught up on our day, Broderick shared that he’d made plans for us to go out to dinner with a few of his friends. I was as excited to spend time with them as I was to see Portland through their eyes. It’s always fun to explore the city solo, but there’s nothing like experiencing it with local guides. Learning the latest and greatest spots for food and adventure from those who live there made it feel like home while blissfully untethered. Such an underrated comfort.
I needed time to adjust from my slumber, so I headed to my room to pull myself together. I felt like a bit of a wreck inside but hoped make-up would work wonders. A cute outfit, too. Fake it till I make it- right?!
Outfitted in my favorite pair of dark jeans and a white sweater I adored, I set off with Broderick to meet up with his buddies. When we arrived at the bar, two of them had already gotten settled in. They raised their bottles in our direction before taking a swig- while I drank in the sights. My eyes were drawn to a handsome man with dirty blonde hair who looked to be over six feet tall and had arms that could sweep me off my feet without ever breaking a sweat. Gulp. To his right sat Morgan, a cute, dark-haired guy with a beard and glasses who looked dwarfed in comparison. We’d met before so I knew he was married but found myself looking at his friend’s hand for a wedding ring. Nope. The guys greeted one another with some pats on the back while formally introducing me to the tall drink of water I had my sights on.
In no time at all, I was faced with the first question I didn’t know how to answer. The statuesque Alex asked, “So, Candace. Brody said you’re a psychologist?”
I knocked back the jolly rancher I had in front of me before trying to sound vaguely accomplished, “Well, my doctoral focus was Neuropsychology, but I’ve spent most of my time on my first book. I’m not really sure what I’ll work on next,” blatant honesty won that round.
I redirected the conversation with a question I’d asked nearly every professional I’d met over the years, “Broderick said you guys went to school together. What made you go into law?”
Alex and Morgan’s answers were a mixture of following in their parents’ footsteps and a general interest in the environment. While heartwarming, neither were especially useful for finding my new path.
We pinged questions back and forth for nearly an hour while I drank two more shots and a mixed cocktail. Then we headed down the street for dinner where another friend was set to join us. The walk was short but grew increasingly challenging as the alcohol sank in.
We arrived at the restaurant before Ascher and asked to be seated while waiting on him. The host led us to a round corner booth where Morgan slid in on one side and Broderick on the other. Naturally, I sat next to Broderick. When Alex came in from taking a work call, he got comfortable alongside me. We were browsing the menu when a medium-built man in a designer suit approached our table. He took the end seat next to Morgan while apologizing for being late in a strong, captivating voice. I replied with a purr that I hoped wasn’t audible to anyone else at the table.
Ascher had a rough day at the office. As he loosened his tie and extended an introduction, he insisted the first couple rounds were on him. I happily sipped another cocktail and ate my weight in bread while they knocked back a few on empty stomachs and vented war stories from their week. That didn’t last long, though. By the time our meals arrived, the conversation had circled back to lighthearted banter- complete with hearty laughs. Their collective easygoing nature made me feel as if I’d known each of them for years despite being a newcomer to the group. And it seemed the feeling was mutual- with one of them, at least.
When I placed my napkin on my lap, Alex mirrored me. Except, he stealthily rubbed the back of one hand along the outside of my thigh before returning it to the table. I didn’t overtly acknowledge it but felt I’d blushed from receiving it. Then when we were eating, I accidentally kicked his leg while crossing my own. Embarrassed, I clutched his robust bicep and sincerely apologized. His hand wandered to my thigh again. This time to squeeze it, nonverbally accepting my apology. My heart picked up its pace. All I could do was flash a warm smile in return.
Dinner was delicious and the company truly enjoyable. It was the best evening I’d had in over a year. At the end of the night, Alex, Morgan, and Ascher all went their separate ways while Broderick and I walked the few blocks back to his place. I’d had more than my fair share of alcohol, so he steered me most of the way and poured me into bed once we arrived. The shame of overindulging was worth it. And even the worst hangover would be an acceptable price to pay for a night free of overthinking and self-criticism.
The next several days were a similar combination of solo sightseeing adventures during the day and Broderick treating me to dinner at his favorite restaurants at night. But, as they say, all good things come to an end. Our pleasant visit took a turn on the fifth day when he took off the kid gloves and got down to business.
We’d just finished some outstanding Italian takeout when Broderick turned towards me and settled into the crook of the couch where he’d been sitting. I could feel tension in the air, so I instinctively retreated into the plush corner opposite him and hugged a throw pillow.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” he asked plainly, but with true concern.
I didn’t know where to start or how much to share, so I sat in silence while painstakingly sorting through my past.
“You’re not wearing your wedding ring and you haven’t mentioned Nate once,” he scratched his cheek before cautiously continuing, “And you and Alex the other night?!” his brow nearly met his hairline.
My unintentional silence continued as I traversed the rocky terrain of my mind for the best place to start.
His brutal reality check flooded me with grief and shame. I projected the brunt of it onto my fingers by aggressively biting my nails and picking at my cuticles until neither was enough to pacify me anymore. Then I stood from the couch and paced slowly alongside the coffee table where the rest of our dinner sat. With my back to Broderick, I closed my eyes and forced words out of my mouth, “You know how I miscarried a few years back?”
With the silence broken, I opened my eyes. I locked my sights on the area rug beneath me but shifted enough to see Broderick nod in understanding from the corner of my eye.
“Well… I…,” I turned to face the expansive windows as if searching for the part of me I’d lost, “I went through that enough times to lose count.”
The immense pain unearthed by that recollection brought me to a hypnotic state. My hands stopped fidgeting with the drawstring on my pants and my eyes glossed over, morphing the vibrant city lights into blurry orbs. Deep in my own darkness, “It’s caused me to lose faith- in everything,” I blankly confessed.
Heavy silence had filled the room until Broderick’s softened voice cut through it, “There are no words for what you’ve gone through. I’m really sorry.”
I remained entranced, unable to find my way back to the present moment.
He treaded ever so delicately, “But you’ve been through so much and you’ve always found your way back.”
The distorted cityscape slowly shifted back into focus, but I was still numb. “It’s different this time,” I whispered before turning around to look at him for the first time since starting the conversation. “I lost a part of myself. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel… hollow. Defeated…,” I muttered as I sank my deflated body into the chair furthest from him, “and I don’t know how to move forward.”
Expressing those burdens was freeing. The part of me that had been weighed down by such agony embraced the purge, “You know me- I’ve always had a goal to work towards. And I’ve always gone after it with laser focus until I was holding it in both hands. Even to my own detriment, at times. But a kid?!” My voice cracked as the resentment I’d fought to contain bubbled up, “That’s something I didn’t even want until God, the Universe —WHOEVER— guided me in that direction… And for what?! To take them all away.” Resentment took full control and began punctuating my words with heated gestures, “It thrashed me around like an animal with its prey. And fucking broke me in the process.” I couldn’t look at him anymore; I had to turn away. I felt ashamed for tapping into a primal rage I hadn’t even known existed within me.
After a few tense moments of gathering my thoughts and corralling my emotions, “I honestly don’t know how to come back from it,” I confessed as I lowered my head into my hands.
He gave me a moment before leaning towards me, “Where’s Nate with all this?”
“The same place, it seems. I think we’ve both just had enough,” I shrugged realizing I hadn’t a clue.
He gently prodded further, “Are you still together?”
“Technically, yes. But we haven’t been emotionally for months. It’s too hard,” I admitted as a few grief-stricken tears fell from my eyes. “When I look at him, all I see is the pain we’ve gone through and what we’ve lost. Any decent memories feel like they’re from another lifetime,” I wiped my cheeks with the handkerchief Broderick had handed me.
After a long, thoughtful pause, he asked, “If you hadn’t gone down that road, what would you be doing now?”
I contemplated his valuable question over more fingernail biting, “I’m not sure. School sucked the joy out of research for me, so I probably wouldn’t have followed that dream. If I did, I doubt it would’ve fulfilled me the way I’d once hoped. I may have had to come up with a plan B... or C, since I already did the book thing.” I thought for a moment before continuing, “I did turn down a great job because we thought it might be too stressful during pregnancy… but who knows how that would’ve turned out. I guess I could be floundering just the same.” As those words passed through my lips, disgust washed over my face.
“So it’s the first time in your life you don’t have a battle to fight or a set goal to work towards?” he summarized.
“Seems that way,” I replied as nausea accompanied the disdain. Then I realized what was left of my cuticle had started to bleed, so I lifted it to my mouth.
“I think we got somewhere tonight,” he said with a proud, cartoonish smile.
“Yeah,” escaped me before I sarcastically added, “Thanks, Doc,” and tossed a throw pillow at his smug head. “Now it’s time for you to fill me in on why things ended with Kim,” I chided with an irreverent grin.
“Would you look at that!! 8pm ALREADY?! I better get to bed. I’ve got work in the morning after all!” he joked to change the subject.
We enjoyed the much-needed comic relief before I kindly noted, “This isn’t over,” and gave him a stern, yet caring look to indicate that I meant business.
Going to bed that night felt more peaceful than it had in quite some time. Even though I had no idea what my new dreams were, I realized I was in the moment of creation. I wasn’t burdened by the weight of carrying out old goals that no longer suited me—I was free to create whatever I wanted in the next chapter of my life. And just like that, I could breathe again. Not breathe like I was on a vacation from my troubles, but B-R-E-A-T-H-E on a soul level. I fell asleep with comforting thoughts that maybe- just maybe- I could find my way back to life.