Chapter 9: Exploration
Broderick and I enjoyed a quick exchange before he left for work the next morning. Unsure of how I’d spend my day, I made a cup of green tea to keep me company on the balcony while I mulled over my options. I admired the lush greenery in the distance for about forty minutes before concluding that spending the day in nature might be the best way to clear my mind of the noise it’d brought to Portland with me.
I wriggled my way into some spandex and armed myself with one of the reusable water bottles I’d found in the kitchen before I set out for a walk. I absorbed nearly two miles of the city’s essence on foot before I was fully immersed in the natural beauty of Macleay Park. The juxtaposition of the two environments was slightly jarring at first, but I quickly acclimated to the peace and quiet of the hiking trail. Well, until it led me straight into blaring self-analysis.
It only took a few minutes of being in the sanctuary of Mother Nature before I was no longer aware of the sights around me. Instead, I was deep inside my head. What did I want in life? Did it include kids? Did it include Nate? What would make me happy? Lather, rinse, repeat with every question I didn’t know how to answer. In an effort to stop the relentless self-badgering, I picked up my pace and began running.
I couldn’t have gone more than a few hundred yards before I felt enough tension in my lower back to stop me in my tracks. My thoughts quickly shifted to the physical pain I was feeling, but I honestly didn’t care. I gladly traded furiously debating myself with the preoccupation of a throbbing lower back. I rubbed it vigorously for a minute or two before continuing the trail at a slower pace.
Around the one-hour mark, hunger was my cue to head back to Broderick’s. My route was dotted with signs for the Japanese Garden, an arboretum, and Washington Park; all called to me as places to lose myself in the beauty of the natural world. My mind optimistically conjured up colorful images of what each space might hold, while my soul hoped to find something more akin to enlightenment. But I was too hungry and drained to find out which part of me would’ve been satisfied. I’d forgotten what a toll the altitude and hills take on my sea level body and knew it would be best to head directly back to the condo.
There, I treated my tired muscles to a hot shower with thrusting jets before I finished my leftover Pad Thai straight from the fridge. Broderick must’ve planned on doing the same because there was little more than nut butter, jam, and tequila left in there. I figured I would head over to the grocery store I’d passed on my walk after I regained some energy.
I never made it to the store, though. Most of my afternoon was spent pondering life’s biggest questions on the balcony. At some point during the late afternoon, the heavy contemplation turned into restless napping on the couch. That was a nice change of pace- and peaceful, too. I only awoke because I heard Broderick’s key in the door.
He knew there was nothing in the house to eat, so Broderick made plans for us to go out with a few of his friends. I was excited for the distraction. Of course, I was looking forward to exploring some local hot spots and meeting new people…, but mostly the first thing.
I headed to my room to get dressed and put on a full face of makeup. I felt like a disastrous failure inside but hoped that looking somewhat decent on the outside would help me rise to the occasion.
Outfitted in my favorite pair of tight, dark jeans and a white sweater I’d gotten compliments on before, I set out with Broderick to meet up with his buddies. When we arrived at the first stop, a nearby bar, two of them were already there. They raised their bottles in our direction and drank beer while I drank in the sights. My eyes were drawn to a handsome man with dirty blonde hair who looked to be over six feet tall and had arms that could sweep me off my feet without him ever breaking a sweat. To his right sat a cute, dark-haired guy with a beard and glasses who was dwarfed by the former. I looked at their hands for wedding rings and only the fuzzy one, who I soon learned was Morgan, was married. We alternated between my shaking their hands and the guys patting one another on the back while making our introductions.
In no time at all, I was hit with the first question I didn’t know how to answer. The statuesque Alex asked, “So, Candace. Brody said you’re a psychologist?”
I knocked back the jolly rancher I had in front of me before trying to sound vaguely accomplished, “Well, my doctoral focus was Neuropsychology, but most of my time has been spent on my first book. They’re unrelated. I’m not really sure what I’ll work on next.” Clearly, blatant honesty won in the end.
Trying to quickly redirect the conversation and, possibly subconsciously seeking advice, I asked, “Broderick said you guys went to school together. What made each of you get into law?”
Their answers were a mixture of following their parents’ lead and a general interest in the environment. Interesting, but not especially useful in guiding me towards my new path, unfortunately.
We ping-ponged questions back and forth for nearly an hour while I drank two more shots and a mixed cocktail. Then we headed down the street for dinner where another friend was set to join us. The walk to our destination was short but grew increasingly challenging as the alcohol sank in.
Our group arrived at the restaurant before Ascher, so we decided to be seated while we waited for him. The host led us to a round corner booth where Morgan slid in on one side and Broderick on the other. I sat next to Broderick and, when Alex came inside from taking a phone call, he sat alongside me. While we browsed our menus, a medium-built man in a designer suit approached the table. He took the end seat next to Morgan and apologized for being late with a strong, captivating voice. I replied with a purr- I’m just not sure whether it was audible to anyone else at the table.
Ascher, a friend who used to live next door to Broderick, had a rough day at the office. He loosened his tie and extended an introduction before insisting the first couple rounds were on him. I happily sipped my cocktail and ate my weight in bread while they knocked back a few on empty stomachs and shared war stories from their week.
By the time our meals arrived, the conversation had circled back to lighthearted banter, though. For such dedicated professionals, they were surprisingly easygoing in the social arena. Down to Earth, too. I felt as if I’d known them for years and it seemed the feeling was mutual- with one of them, at least.
When I placed my napkin on my lap, Alex mirrored me. Only he didn’t return his hands to the table immediately. He stealthily rubbed the back of one hand on the outside of my thigh. I didn’t overtly acknowledge it, but happily received it. Then sometime while we were eating, I accidentally kicked his leg when I was uncrossing my own. Embarrassed, I clutched his robust bicep and sincerely apologized. His right hand wandered to my thigh again. This time he squeezed it in such a way as to nonverbally accept my apology. My heart picked up its pace as I smiled warmly back at him.
Dinner was delicious and the company truly enjoyable. It was the best evening I’d had in, perhaps, a year. At the end of the night, Alex, Morgan, and Ascher all went their separate ways while Broderick and I walked the few blocks back to his place. I’d had my fair share of alcohol that evening, so he steered me a good deal of the way and poured me into bed once we arrived- but it was worth it. Even the worst kind of hangover would be a fair price to pay for a night free of overthinking and self-criticism.
The next several days were a similar combination of solo sightseeing adventures, drinking, and Broderick treating me to dinner at his favorite restaurants. It was a great visit when my thoughts weren’t haunting me. Until the fifth day, anyway. That’s when Broderick took off the kid gloves and got down to business. I knew it was inevitable, but still wasn’t fully prepared for it.
We’d just finished some outstanding Italian take out when Broderick turned towards me and settled deep into the crook of the couch where he’d been sitting. I could feel tension in the air, so I instinctively backed myself into the plush corner opposite him and nestled the throw pillow on my lap.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” he said plainly, but with true concern.
I didn’t know where to start or how much to share, so I sat there- painstakingly sorting through the past at what felt like a glacial pace.
“You’re not wearing your wedding ring and you haven’t mentioned Nate once,” he scratched his cheek before cautiously continuing, “You’ve also been drinking like a fish.”
I sat there in silence, still traversing the rocky terrain of my mind for the best place to start.
“And you and Alex the other night?” Broderick finished with a raised brow.
His brutal reality check momentarily knocked me for a loop. I was flooded with grief, shame, and fear, and immediately displaced the brunt of it on my cuticles. I alternated between vigorously picking at them and biting my nails until it wasn’t enough to quell the pent-up anxiety. I stood from the couch, then slowly paced alongside the coffee table where the rest of our dinner sat. With my back to him, I closed my eyes and forced words out of my mouth, “You know how I miscarried a few years back?”
With the silence broken, I opened my eyes. I locked my sights on the area rug beneath me but shifted enough to see Broderick nod in understanding from the corner of my eye.
“Well… I…,” I turned to face the expansive windows— as if searching for the part of me I’d lost, “I went through that enough times to lose count.”
The immense pain unearthed by that recollection brought me to a nearly hypnotic state. My hands stopped fidgeting with the drawstring on my pants and my eyes glossed over. The vibrant city lights morphed into blurry orbs right before me, “It’s caused me to lose faith- in everything,” I blankly confessed.
Heavy silence filled the room for a moment before I heard Broderick’s softened voice from behind me, “There are no words for what you’ve gone through. I’m really sorry.”
I couldn’t snap myself back to the present moment.
He treaded ever so delicately, “But you’ve been through so much and you’ve always found your way back.”
The distorted cityscape slowly shifted back into focus, but I was still numb. “It’s different this time,” I whispered before turning around to look at him for the first time since he broached what had brought me to Portland. “I lost a part of myself. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel… hollow… defeated…,” I said as I sank my deflated body into the chair furthest from him, “and I don’t know how to move forward.”
Expressing those burdens freed a part of me that had been lurking beneath the secret agony. I embraced the emotional purge and offered, “You know me- I’ve always had a goal to work towards. And I’ve always gone after it with laser focus until I was holding it in both hands. Even to my own detriment, at times.” My voice cracked as the resentment I fought to contain bubbled up, “But a kid?! That’s something I didn’t even want until God, the Universe, —WHOEVER—guided me in that direction… only to take them all away!” With resentment in full control of the reins, and complete with heated gestures, “It thrashed me around like an animal with its prey. And fucking broke me.” I couldn’t look at him anymore than I cared to look at myself. I’d felt ashamed for tapping into some sort of primal rage I hadn’t even known existed within me.
After a few tense moments of gathering my thoughts and corralling my emotions, “I honestly don’t know how to come back from it,” I confessed as I lowered my head into my hands.
He leaned towards me, “Where’s Nate with all this?”
“The same place, it seems. I think we’ve both just had enough,” I shrugged realizing I hadn’t a clue.
He gently prodded further, “Are you still together?”
“Legally, yes. But we haven’t been emotionally for months. It’s too hard,” I admitted as a few grief-stricken tears fell from my eyes. “When I look at him, all I see is the pain we’ve gone through and what we’ve lost. Any decent memories feel like they’re from a different lifetime,” I concluded as I wiped my cheeks with the handkerchief Broderick had handed me.
After a long, thoughtful pause, Broderick asked, “If you didn’t get pregnant that first time with Nate, what would you be doing now?”
I contemplated his valuable question over some fingernail biting before answering, “I’m not really sure. Doctoral school sucked the joy out of research, so I probably wouldn’t have followed that dream. I would’ve had to come up with a plan B. Or C, rather- since I already did the book thing.” I thought some more before continuing, “I did turn down a great job offer because we thought it might be too stressful during pregnancy… but who knows how that would’ve turned out. I guess I could be floundering just the same.” As those words passed through my lips, I felt disdain wash over my face. My upper lip curled like a dog about to growl.
“So it’s the first time in your life you don’t have a battle to fight or a goal to work towards?” he summarized.
“Seems that way,” I replied as nausea accompanied the disdain. Then I realized what was left of my cuticle had started to bleed, so I lifted my finger to my mouth.
“I think we got somewhere tonight,” he said with a proud, cartoonish smile.
“Yeah,” escaped me before I sarcastically added, “Thanks, Doc,” and tossed a throw pillow at his smug head. “Now it’s time for you to fill me in on why things ended with Kim,” I piped up with an irreverent grin.
“Would you look at that!! 8pm ALREADY?! I better get ready for bed,” he joked to change the subject.
We enjoyed the much-needed comic relief before I kindly noted, “This isn’t over,” and gave him a stern, yet caring look to indicate that I meant business.
Going to bed that night felt more peaceful than it had in quite some time. Even though I had no idea what my new dreams were, I realized I was in the moment of creation. I wasn’t burdened by the weight of carrying out old goals that no longer suited me—I was free to create whatever I wanted in the next chapter of my life. And just like that, I could breathe again. Not breathe like I was on a vacation from my troubles, but B-R-E-A-T-H-E on a soul level. I fell asleep with comforting thoughts that maybe- just maybe- I was coming back to life.