Chapter 12: Fun Distractions
I slept about ten hours that first night at Broderick’s. It was a deep sleep, too. The kind where you remember getting into bed, then simply find yourself waking up; no wild dreams or tossing and turning. It was by far the most peaceful night I’d had in months.
The days that followed weren’t nearly as relaxing, though. I’d truly wanted to make it on my own, so facing defeat that quickly triggered strenuous objection from my ego. I tried bargaining with it and fiercely fighting back, but neither worked. The internal dialogue remained abusive and unyielding. Desperate to break free from the ornery grudge, I set my sights forward while blaring objections raged on. I hoped enough baby steps in the right direction would build momentum I could be proud of and, in turn, silence the fury.
Tormenting narratives aside, living with Broderick was far more enjoyable than life on my own had been. Most weeknights were spent watching TV together or streaming our favorite movies, while weekends were dedicated to exploring nearby parks and beaches. I taught him things only locals knew- like great spots for water sports, which beaches were best for swimming, and hidden gems with epic views. I also filled him in on what it to expect during tourist season and shared tips for navigating it. Our routine felt like a cushy version of our teens, with spontaneous outings and heart-to-heart chats being the foundation of our friendship. This time around, though, I enjoyed perks like breakfasts at quaint bistros, cultural activities, and fine dining; all things I wouldn’t have been able to afford on my own.
During the first several months, we drank almost nightly and our healthy dining choices slowly became more decadent. We’d strayed from eating bountiful salads and light vegetarian fare to indulging in the bread baskets at restaurants, creamy pasta dishes, and sharing rich desserts. The iced caramel lattes we once treated ourselves to on occasion had turned into a slight obsession, as well.
When it became obvious to each of us that we’d gotten a little doughier as a result, we decided to make some changes. We cut back on eating out and sought health-conscious options when we did, swapped the sugar-laden lattes for homemade matcha, and vowed to reserve cocktails for weekends. The alcohol restriction was tough, but we usually adhered to it. We also experimented with workouts until we found some we could stick to. I enjoyed afternoon walks and laps in the pool, while Broderick found squeezing in a run before work helpful.
All was well with our new normal until dry mouth drove me out of bed absurdly early one morning. I was still picking the sleepy seeds from my eyes when I’d wandered into the kitchen for some water and caught a glimpse of Broderick’s transforming body. He stood shirtless and sweaty beside the island while chugging his recovery drink. I did my best not to stare at his toned physique, but one glance was enough to leave me dazed and confused by the tingling sensations I felt in all the wrong places.
When I crawled back into bed, I tried to make sense of what had transpired. The only helpful thoughts that crossed my mind were, “When was the last time I had sex? Not a quickie because I was ovulating, but passionate, toe-curling sex?” It didn’t take long to appreciate that was the problem. I was long overdue for some sensual contact, so Broderick looked like a juicy steak to my hungry mountain lion. I melted in complete relief when my internal world made sense again.
Further investigation found my appetite to be beyond what self-love could satisfy, which pressed me to reprioritize a couple things. I decided to put my long-term quest to uncover life’s purpose on hold so I could focus on meeting my body’s needs. But how? With whom? I couldn’t fathom the idea of dating someone, and sex with a random man from an app was equally out of the question. All our closest friends lived out of state, so they couldn’t set me up with a suitable match either. What options were left?!
The first few days of craving physical release with no idea how to achieve it— or rather, with whom— felt discouraging. Then I took Broderick’s friend Alex into serious consideration. He was gorgeous inside and out; the perfect guy to take this step with. And we’d maintained a quiet friendship through social media and texts, so I knew he was single. But I was at a loss for how we could possibly connect on that level when he lived clear across the country.
Broderick and I were floating in the pool that weekend when we realized it was his first autumn in Florida. Being unlike Portland and where we grew up, we naturally reminisced about the seasons. He tried filling the void where changing leaves and snowcapped mountains once resided with, “It’s cool that we can still go swimming this time of year, though.”
“Definitely! But when a cold front comes through…,” I shuddered at the thought, “it can go from pool weather to sweater weather in the same day. It’s kinda crazy.” Still visualizing the colors of autumn, I added, “I miss having actual seasons. Autumn used to be my favorite, but I haven’t had a proper one in over a decade. Sounds like you might miss it, too?”
“My friends, mostly. But I’ll let you know when the reality of eternal summer sets in,” he masked the depth of his honesty with a half-hearted chuckle.
“That’s understandable. They’ve been your family for years,” I grieved with him. “Do you think they might like to get away for a while and visit? I know it’s not the same as seeing them all the time, but it’s something…,” I was so focused on helping him that I was oblivious to the full extent of what I’d suggested.
After brief consideration, “That could be fun! I’m not sure they’d be able to come down at the same time, but I can ask. Thanks for the idea.”
Feeling his relief, I smiled. Then my heart skipped a beat. Huh? When I checked in with myself, I heard Alex!! in my head. My heart picked up its pace as the reality of what my words had set in motion finally registered. I panicked internally. A visit from Broderick’s buddies could ease his heart and my pangs... I slid off my raft into the water to cool down.
A few days went by before Broderick shared the news that Ascher and Alex would be visiting around Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Morgan had family obligations and wouldn’t be able to join them.
I usually spent Thanksgiving with my sister since the rest of our family lived states away, so I didn’t relish the idea of trading that tradition for a potential booty call. But when I was painfully honest with myself, I had to acknowledge that we only got together on holidays despite living minutes apart. That said everything about our relationship. Part-time sisters could celebrate part-time, perhaps? I deserved to spend my time with people who made space for me in their life. We both did.
Before I ever had the chance to let Lainey know I could only spend half the day with her family, she texted saying they were going out of town that weekend. That truly hurt. It would be my first holiday without a single relative. I initially felt sad and rejected- then I felt relieved. At least I didn’t need to be in two places at once. There was too much to emotionally unpack, so I wished her safe travels and poured my energy into preparing for our guests.
In the weeks leading up to the guys’ arrival, I kicked up my workout routine, prepped the remaining guest room, and splurged on a pedicure to help myself relax. We weren’t hosting a holiday feast or planning anything fussy, but I still wanted to create that warm, cozy feeling so I baked a couple of homemade treats the day before they got to town.
While I was preparing a double batch of blueberry muffins, one of the eggs exploded all over me. My banana bread only had a minute left in the oven so there was no time to grab another shirt from my bedroom. I quickly replaced my slimy tee with the apron Broderick received as a housewarming gift and checked the bread for doneness. At least that turned out as I’d hoped.
I was so fixated on cleaning the mess I’d made down the cabinets and on the floor that I didn’t realize Broderick was home until he approached the island. He looked perplexed but I couldn’t understand what his face was trying to convey. Too immersed in my task to use words, I questioned him back with my eyes. He motioned in an up/down fashion while raising a brow. I looked down to find half my chest had escaped the apron and my bike shorts were riding high from all the squatting. Frazzled, I explained what happened with the egg while I finished hand mopping. He laughed at the thought, then groaned at the reality.
After a thorough shower, I asked Broderick what he hoped to do while the guys were in town. He thought they’d enjoy trying some water sports but expected to be at the house most of the time. The mere thought of Alex at the house made my body heat up. Broderick was going to pick up some food and drinks for poolside fun but said we would take them to a couple spots that would be open over the holiday weekend. I calmly nodded in agreement, but seventeen-year-old Candace was squealing inside.
I felt euphoric until my mind latched onto the fact that I didn’t know how to make things happen with Alex. I had a challenging relationship with my sexuality and no idea how to intentionally embody it. A flattering dress or tight jeans helped me tap into it on occasion, but feeling secure enough to make a move or take my clothes off was an entirely different story. When I recalled the chemistry we had in Portland, I hoped I could find a way to relax and “be myself.” Maybe then, nature would run its course?
Broderick collected Ascher and Alex from the airport the following afternoon while I stayed behind. It gave them some time for brotherly bonding while granting me an extra hour to create an “effortless” look that could stoke both my and Alex’s fires. Unsure where the night would take us, I sought a casual way to show some skin. An off-the-shoulder tee and jeans with soft, beachy waves and natural make-up had me feeling confident in the comforts of my bedroom, but I feared it could be fleeting.
When the guys rolled in, it was clear they’d planned on spending a comfortable night at home by the way they changed into swim trunks, ordered pizza, and mixed cocktails in record time. A waterside evening with shirtless men was a welcome surprise, no doubt, but it was also the only scenario I felt overdressed for. I knocked back two shots of liquid courage before swapping my jeans for my cutest swimsuit and coverup- keeping a bare shoulder on display, of course.
Watching the three of them reconnect was captivating. The enthusiasm with which they built on each other’s stories was so endearing it made me wish I had more girlfriends to share my life with. I couldn’t help but notice Broderick appeared more settled in himself, too; like the gap between his fond past and new reality had been bridged or reconciled in some way. My heart was happy for him- all of them, really. It seemed we were each benefiting from their visit in unexpected ways.
After the sun set, we flipped on the pool lights and shut all of the house lights off. Our intimate party was illuminated by soft moonlight, the glow of the bay bridge, twinkling reflections on the water, and our festive poolscape. It was breathtaking! But also cold once the breeze picked up. We were sitting on loungers drinking in the view and libations in equal proportion when Alex noticed my body shivering. He slid his chair close to mine and rubbed my arms to warm me up. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed that, I could only last for so long before the chill became too much to bear. I gave him a well-placed ‘thank you’ squeeze on his shoulder before heading inside for some hot tea and very sweet dreams.
It was late in the morning when the guys filed into the kitchen with weary eyes and crazy hair. I was preparing a large batch of matcha lattes at the island when they got started on the banana bread I’d already set out. Muffled groans of enjoyment and genuine compliments quickly filled the kitchen and my heart alike.
I got comfortable on the couch with my latte and asked what their plans were for the day. The guys deferred to Broderick, who suggested some sort of water sport. While brainstorming their options, Alex swiped a blueberry muffin from the counter and made his way into the living room. He took a seat next to me, then peeled off the wrapper and took a bite. My toes curled as I wondered how he could make something so innocuous look so damn sexy. When he licked his fingers after the last bite, I silenced my internal moans with a sip of matcha. He propped his feet on the coffee table and rested his arm on my folded knee while Broderick ran through a list of open rentals. Alex projected into the kitchen, “I vote for paddle boarding!” then turned to me, “How about you?”
Through laughter, I replied, “My balance isn’t great on dry land, so I’ll spare us all by not trying to stand on a floating board. Thanks, though.” The three of them tried to help me feel comfortable with the idea but I held my (stubborn) ground.
While they were out paddle boarding, I laid by the pool and soaked up some sun. Cool autumn afternoons were one of the few times of year I actually enjoyed sunbathing but, on that day, my mind wouldn’t let me. How could I turn down Alex’s direct invite? There must be something wrong with me. I tried working through my woes with a couple laps in the pool, but the mental chatter resumed upon completion. I moved on to pampering myself a little extra- mango hair mask, citrus exfoliating scrub, and a layer of rich body butter after my shower. The primping didn’t stop my internal flogging either, but it helped me feel ready for the night ahead, at least.
After the guys returned from their aquatic adventure and showered, we headed to dinner. Our time in the sun must’ve made the drinks hit a little harder than usual because we got stupid goofy when they were reliving the afternoon’s highlights. And the antics continued when I stupidly agreed to Ascher’s dare of being their wing woman for the night. I still can’t believe I could let my guard down enough to self-sabotage that way.
By the time we made it back to the house all boisterousness had worn off and everyone declared their desperate need for sleep. So color me surprised when I was in my room getting undressed and someone knocked on the door. I made my way across the room with a pajama tee over my head to find Alex standing there with a question.
He held up the number I’d gotten for him at the pub and asked if he should use it.
“Why not? She was sweet,” my own words catapulted me to sobriety.
His gorgeous green eyes looked down into mine as he repeated himself. This time, he made contact. His strong, sexy hand rubbed my upper arm ever so lightly to suggest there was another option.
Even though that was exactly what I desired and the reason I wanted to see him again, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I looked down at the floor beside us as my heart raced and my face flushed with nervous lust.
Alex stepped closer and placed his hand on my hip. His lips were close enough to my ear for his warm breath to send tingles down my body when he said, “You can let me know.” He lightly kissed my cheek and headed to bed. It wasn’t the first peck farewell from him, but it was certainly the most seductive.
That brief interaction left me weak in the knees and a mess with anticipation, but I was also elated to know we were on the same wavelength. God, I wanted him.
I blushed upon first sight of Alex the following morning. The temperature in the room probably went up a few degrees, too, as heat radiated off my chest from simply being near him. I had to ventilate my shirt a few times to cool off when no one was looking.
Aside from sexual tension, our morning unfolded much like the one prior with mild hangovers, muffins, and talking about the day’s plans. Our options were more limited, though, since it was Thanksgiving Day. We decided on a casual holiday feast and lazing by the pool. None of them had made pizza from scratch before and thought it sounded fun, so I offered to walk them through it.
While the dough was rising, the guys floated around the pool and I connected with a few relatives. The obligatory phone calls and e-greetings had left me consumed with family memories and facing hidden truths of the past year. I told them I was spending a lowkey holiday at home, which was entirely true. But I also knew they had no idea that home was with Broderick. I hadn’t planned on skating around my unresolved issues- it’s just what happened. I’d been so focused on satisfying my needs that the day’s emotional significance hadn’t fully registered until I was on the phone. I needed time to consider how I felt about it being my first holiday since separating.
As thoughts began to form, Alex showed up in my doorway. Startled back to the present, I sat up, “Need something?”
He smiled, then walked peacefully into my room, as if not to disturb me. He brushed his disheveled blonde hair out of his eye as he sat on the edge of my bed. We settled into the moment before his left hand slowly made its way toward my exposed thigh. He greeted me with the brush of his knuckles.
Aroused, yet apprehensive, I cooed while trying to lengthen my shorts. They wouldn’t budge.
Alex pulled the same piece of paper from his pocket as the night before and questioned with a soft voice, “Give it any thought?”
I was filled with lust and attraction but, at the same time, tremendous fear. I didn’t know how to allow myself to do it- to submit to his pleasure so casually.
I barreled past the insecurities and dense emotions by leaning in for a kiss. I wasn’t even halfway there when I felt his soft, full lips press against mine. Our tongues soon followed. He was such an intuitive kisser that it was easy to lose myself in him. His masculine hands wandered my body, stirring feelings I’d forgotten existed. I reclined, inviting him on top of me.
I was panting for more of his touch when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Ascher had walked past the open door. I nervously pushed against Alex’s chest and said I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything with the other guys walking around. Neither of us were thrilled about stopping but we both knew it was for the best. He kissed my lips quickly, then stood up and resituated himself. It was painful to watch him walk out my door.
Dinner was no picnic either. Teaching the guys how to stretch the dough and top their pizzas was uniquely arousing. The way Alex’s strong hands gently tugged the edges of the soft doughball caused my entire body to sweat. I’d never be able to look at pizza or think of Thanksgiving the same way again.
The following day the guys were going to the indoor shooting range and wouldn’t accept my polite decline. Truthfully, it was the idea of Alex’s arms around me while showcasing different pistol grips that really swayed me. That fantasy didn’t play out, but their competitive banter was enough to be glad I’d gone. The most comical objections were about Ascher being the best shot of the day since he was the only one of us who’d never fired a gun before. Unfortunately, I took the prize for the worst when I got permanently branded by a hot shell casing that flew down my shirt.
We brought sandwiches back to the house to fuel up for a round of pool volleyball. Little did we know the weather would stay gorgeous enough to keep us outside the rest of the day. Even when we’d gotten hungry again, we traded dinner plans for more takeout just to take advantage of the perfect pool weather.
Once the sun had set, though, Ascher suggested we head to a bar. I felt too tired from our active day, so I chose to stay home. Broderick’s face suggested he would like to do the same, but his big heart wouldn’t let his brother down; he agreed to take the guys out.
The three of them got changed for the evening ahead while I got comfortable on the couch in my pajamas. I turned on the TV and scrolled through the options at least three times before giving up. I finished my herbal tea and wished them a fun time on my way to bed.
When my body sank into bed like an anchor, I knew I’d made the right choice. The last couple of days and nights had caught up with me and it felt like it wouldn’t be long before I was fast asleep. That is, until Alex showed up at my door again. Confused, I sat up, “I thought you guys left already. I heard the garage door and thought…,” I trailed off as the events replayed in my mind.
He stood casually in the doorway, looking fine as hell, then leaned against its frame, “I told them I needed a night off, too.” His kind eyes and sweet smile became clouded with unease that he’d been presumptuous about staying behind. I invited him in with a pat on the bed beside me.
Up close, his stunning green eyes were both seductive and pure; they pierced through me in the most primal of ways. With our bodies mere inches apart, our undeniable chemistry made it clear that my answer to whatever he was thinking was YES! I leaned myself back, silently begging him to follow my lead. He didn’t hesitate. Alex tenderly climbed on top of me, and we continued where we’d left off the day prior.
Gentle kissing with soft lips and friendly connection quickly escalated to tangoing tongues and pulsating bodies. There wasn’t much of a middle ground. When Alex tried coming up for air, I bit his lower lip to lure him back in. It hurt not to taste him. When I succumbed to the need for a full breath myself, I offered up my décolletage. He wrapped kisses around my neck like a dewy scarf, causing me to squirm with pleasure beneath his firm body.
He kissed his way down to my chest, pausing when he saw the fresh burn on my left breast. “Does it hurt?” his finger traced far outside the wound.
I shook my head no. I didn’t want talking to preoccupy either of our lips.
He graced the newest addition to my scar collection with closed lips before enjoying the fullest part of my breasts. When he wandered back to my collar bone, muffled moans reverted to soft panting. His touch was sweet torment. I pulled him in for a kiss so deep and fueled it drove his hands to wander the rest of my body with animalistic curiosity.
With his hand under my shirt, firmly squeezing my bare breast, my body revved up again. I greedily wrestled his shirt off in response, wishing I could rip it off instead. He removed mine and cast both on the floor.
Anticipation continued to build as our tongues stroked, teeth nipped, and lips sucked every fleshy inch they could make contact with. Alex unzipped his shorts but left them on while our bodies remained intertwined. He caressed my midsection with his thick fingers before sliding into my underwear. I could tell my body was drooling by the way his hand practically slipped inside of me. Embarrassed, I bit my lip and turned away. He pressed his engorged lap into mine to assure me that his body was just as primed. I tugged at the band of his boxer briefs requesting he reveal his impressive staff. He removed the rest of his clothes while I did mine, then we rolled on protection.
He went in for the fateful plunge, but my body tensed up. We downshifted to a throaty kiss while his hands teased my nipples. Then he trailed his open mouth down to my breasts, sucking on my body until moans coaxed a second attempt. When he tried to penetrate, my body tensed up again. I squeezed my eyes closed.
He paused.
I could feel him hovering over me, looking at me, so I kept my eyes closed as they began to water. I had to turn my face away from his gaze. With a compassionate tone, he asked, “What is it?”
A single teardrop fell onto my pillow as I was confronted with a barrage of reasons why this was far more difficult for me than I thought it “should be.” I opened my eyes and was filled with overwhelming remorse at the sight of his sensitive face staring back at me.
He wiped the tears from my eyes and asked if it had to do with my ex. While that was only part of it, I nodded yes for simplicity’s sake.
His eyes flickered with concern as he removed his body from mine and flopped onto the bed next to me, “I understand if you’re not ready.”
I fretfully covered myself with the sheet and apologized, explaining that I thought I was.
“It’s okay. These things take time,” he kissed my exposed shoulder.
I apologized repeatedly and tried to explain that even though I really wanted to be with him, some part of me was preventing my body’s surrender.
He stroked my arm comfortingly, “You don’t have to explain. Break-ups are never easy. And I can’t imagine what it’s like after being married.”
I was so grateful he didn’t press the issue. There was no way I could unpack my burdens while lying naked next to him. I barricaded myself with all the linens and pillows on my bed in an effort to hide my wounds.
“Do you want some time to yourself?” he asked as he handed me my shirt from the floor.
As much as I didn’t want him to go, I shook my head yes. Dissonance at its finest.
He grabbed his clothes from the floor and redressed, then gave me one last gentle kiss. He warmly reminded me to take care of myself on his way out of the room.
In that moment, I didn’t know how to. I felt furious with myself for thinking I was ready when I wasn’t, and for simply not being ready to share the company of such an amazing man. Alex was insanely attractive, intelligent, funny, and compassionate, too. He was the perfect man in many regards, but especially for taking this step with. A storm of self-loathing raged in my mind while guilt consumed my body.
I woke up feeling the same way.
All I wanted to do was avoid the guys, but I knew I had to leave my bedroom at some point. I ventured into the kitchen with great trepidation and found the three of them scrounging through the fridge and cabinets for something to eat. They teased me for letting them run out of baked goods and blamed Ash for inhaling the last muffin when he woke up. With all of their good-natured ribbing, I felt more at ease and opted to hang around the kitchen for a little while; I just avoided eye contact with Alex.
I grabbed an apple from the counter and headed for the table where Ascher had taken a seat. The other guys stood at the island with bread and some jars they’d pulled from the pantry. As I walked by, Alex playfully stole my apple. He said it would pair well with his peanut butter creation. While Broderick brainstormed other flavor combinations, Alex rubbed my back and whispered in my ear, “No hard feelings, K?”
I took a deep breath as that weight lifted from my chest. I hated that I’d led Alex on for no reason, and was afraid I’d ruined our friendship. His consolation meant the world to me in that moment.
The two A’s headed back to Portland the following day, but I stayed in touch with Alex through text and email. It seemed we were star-crossed or destined to be just friends and I’d have to find a way to make peace with that. Just as I’d have to make peace with the suppressed emotions our close encounter dredged up. I detested that seeking physical gratification from a caring man I genuinely admired would unearth so much buried within me, but that’s exactly what it did.