Chapter 12: Fun Distractions
I slept about ten hours that first night at Broderick’s. It was a deep sleep, too. The kind where you remember getting into bed, then simply find yourself waking up; no wild dreams or tossing and turning. It was by far the most peaceful night I’d had in months.
The days that immediately followed weren’t nearly as relaxing, though. I truly wanted to make it on my own, so declaring defeat that early on subjected me to strenuous objection from my ego. I pleaded the past to remain in the past and repeatedly redirected my attention forward. Neither tactic worked well, but it’s all I had.
Thankfully, living with Broderick made looking forward relatively easy. Most weeknights we lounged around watching TV and streaming our favorite movies while Broderick unwound from his workday. On weekends, I steered him towards nearby dives, parks, and beaches I thought he’d appreciate, and taught him things only locals know- like which beaches are great for swimming, the ones best for water sports, and those with epic views. I was also sure to pass along tips on navigating beach parking during tourist season, and filled him in on what it really meant to be “in season” and “off season” in Florida. Those excursions were fun in and of themselves, but I enjoyed other perks like breakfast at quaint bistros, cultural activities, and fine dining on occasion.
Living together was effortless, much like life when we were teenagers. Spontaneous escapades and heart-to-heart chats were what our friendship was built on. It might’ve seemed like a marriage from the outside, but there were no such obligations or restrictions. I didn’t cook or clean beyond what I felt like and Broderick never had to check in with me if he was going to come home late or wanted to make plans with friends from the office. It was the best of marriage, without the rest of it.
For the first several months, we drank almost nightly and our preferably healthy dining choices steadily became more decadent. We’d strayed from eating bountiful salads, organic vegetarian fare, and the occasional piece of grilled salmon, to indulging in the bread baskets at restaurants, creamy pasta dishes, and sharing rich desserts. The infrequent caramel iced coffees we once treated ourselves to on weekends had turned into a slight obsession, as well.
Once it had become obvious to the both of us that we’d gotten a little doughier as a result, we decided to make some changes. We vowed to eat out less often, choose overall healthier restaurants when we did, and reserve drinking for weekends. The alcohol restriction was a tough one, but we usually adhered to it. Broderick also started getting up early to squeeze in a run before work. I enjoyed going on walks during the day or swimming in our pool, but there was no way I was getting up early for either.
There was one morning, however, when I’d woken up ridiculously early for no apparent reason and accidentally caught a glimpse of Broderick’s transforming body. He’d just gotten back from a run and was standing shirtless in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. I was still picking the sleepy seeds from my eyes when I’d wandered in to get something to drink when I saw him standing there glistening with sweat. It caught me completely off guard. As did the tingling sensations I felt in all the right places…or wrong places since it was Broderick. I did my best not to stare at his toned physique as I grabbed some water, then wandered back to my room pretending to be half asleep.
I crawled back into bed and tried to make sense of what transpired when I had a thought: When was the last time I had sex? Not a quickie because I was ovulating, but passionate, toe-curling sex… I didn’t have to think too long before I realized that was the problem- I was long overdue for some sensual contact. Broderick only seemed appealing because my libido was underfed and on the prowl; he was the equivalent of a juicy steak in front of a hungry mountain lion. My internal world made sense again.
I resolved to put my mental quest of answering life’s biggest questions on hold and momentarily prioritize my body’s needs. But how? And with whom? I fully support self-love, but my appetite was beyond that. I couldn’t fathom the idea of dating someone at that time in my life and a random man from an app was out of the question. Most of my friends lived out of state, so I didn’t think they’d be much help with finding a suitable connection. What was left?!
I felt a little defeated for a few days because I needed a physical release but didn’t know how to achieve it. Or rather, with whom. Then I thought of Broderick’s friend Alex. We’d hit it off when we met a while back and had maintained a quiet friendship through social media and texts, so I knew he was single. I just had to figure out how to make that happen since he lived clear across the country.
When Broderick and I were sitting by the pool that weekend, I looked for a natural way to bring up the topic of his friends. “Isn’t it great that it’s late October and you can still go swimming here? What would it be like in Portland this time of year?”
After thinking about it for a second, he offered, “In the 60’s. Sometimes 70. Depends on the day.”
“Do you miss it?” I continued my own lead.
“Sometimes. Portland has a lot to offer, but I mostly miss my friends. Everyone I work with here is older. You know?”
“Yeah. I hear ya,” I said, knowing his wheels were already turning. “You think they might like to get away for a while and visit? It’s not the same as seeing them all the time, but it’s something.”
His energy perked up a bit as he considered the prospect, “Yeah, that might be cool. I’m not sure they’d be able to come down at the same time, but I’ll ask.”
My heart smiled for both our sakes.
I knew there was a chance Broderick read between the lines and spotted my ulterior motive, but I didn’t mind. A visit from his buddies would be good for him regardless of whether I’d gain anything from it. (But, yeah, I was hungry to gain something from it.)
Broderick reached out to his pals later that day, and I kicked my workout regimen up a few notches to tone and tighten in case they were to visit. I was one eager beaver.
A few days later, Broderick excitedly shared the news that Ascher and Alex were going to come for a visit around Thanksgiving when they’d have time off from work. Morgan had family obligations for the holiday, so he wouldn’t be able to, though.
My sister and I usually spent Thanksgiving together since the rest of our family lived states away, so I didn’t relish the idea of cutting our celebration short. But in all honesty, we only lived minutes apart and never really saw each other. It would have been silly to forfeit spending time with a special person when I could see Lesley every day of the year. Before I had a chance to let her know I’d only be able to spend half the day with her, she texted saying she was going out of town that weekend. That truly hurt. I simultaneously felt rejected, sad that I wouldn’t spend any portion of the day with my closest link to holidays past and, yet, relieved I didn’t need to be in two places at once. There was too much there to emotionally unpack, so I wished her safe travels and poured my energy into preparing for our guests.
The day before the guys were set to arrive, I decided to bake some muffins. We weren’t hosting a Thanksgiving feast or doing anything fussy while they were in town, but I thought a couple homemade treats would be welcoming. And from what I’d heard, neither Alex nor Ascher were kitchen savvy, so having some items on hand might be the only thing that kept them from burning the house down when they got hungry.
While I was preparing a double batch of blueberry muffins, one of the eggs I was trying to crack open exploded all over me. The banana bread was already in the oven and only had a minute before it needed to be checked, so I didn’t have time to grab another shirt from my bedroom. I knew an apron had been in the pantry since before Broderick moved in, so I quickly took off my slimy shirt and put the apron on over my sports bra and bike shorts. Between the heat of the oven and the afternoon sun that had warmed the house, it ended up being remarkably comfortable baking in that attire.
I was so in the zone baking and cleaning up the mess I’d made on the counter, down the front of two cabinets, and on the floor that I didn’t even realize Broderick was home until he approached me at the island with a perplexed expression. Oblivious to what his face meant, I questioned him back with my eyes. He pinched his lips closed, raised an eyebrow, and scrolled his finger in the air in an up and down motion as if to ask what I was wearing. I looked down and saw my black bra peeking out from the white apron and noticed my shorts had since ridden up my thighs from all the bending and squatting I’d been doing. A little self-conscious, I covered my exposed parts with my soapy hands while explaining what had happened with the egg. Broderick chuckled at the thought while I finished washing up and excused myself for a full shower.
Once I was fully clothed again, I asked Broderick what he and the guys might be doing while they were in town. I figured their choices would be more limited than usual with it being a holiday weekend but appreciated how that worked to my advantage; Alex would likely be at the house most of the time. That thought alone made my body heat rise. Broderick confirmed that they’d probably spend most of their time out by the pool, but that we would also take them to a few spots that would be open. I calmly nodded along with what he shared but was squealing inside.
I was squealing with excitement- sure, but I was also painfully nervous and had no idea how to make things happen with Alex. I’d never been one who fully owned my sexuality, and that became even more of a challenge as life unfolded. I just kept reminding myself of the chemistry we seemed to have had when we met and figured that if I could relax and be myself, then nature would have the opportunity to run its course.
The following afternoon, Broderick picked up Ascher and Alex from the airport. I stayed behind so the three of them could grab a bite to eat like the old days and Broderick could show off his new hometown. I spent that extra time trying to create a naturally sexy look to stoke Alex’s fire- and maybe my own, too. Since I wasn’t sure where the night would take us, I decided on a pair of dark jeans and an edgy t-shirt to compliment my beachy hair and lightly sun-kissed skin. That “effortless” look took me at least an hour to accomplish, but I was happy with the outcome. I felt pulled-together enough to go out for drinks, but relaxed enough to not feel absurdly overdressed if they wanted to stay home.
When the guys finally rolled in, they made it abundantly clear they were looking for a casual night with drinks in hand. They’d picked up beer and liquor on their way home and planned on enjoying them out back by the water. So once it got dark out, we flipped on the colorful pool lights that we rarely used otherwise and shut the rest of the house lights off. Our small backyard party was only illuminated by the stars, the glow of the nearby bridge, buildings far across the waterway, and our festive poolscape. It was intimate.
Watching Broderick reconnect with Ascher and Alex was heartwarming. Individually, the three of them were charismatic but, together, their energy bordered on intoxicating. I’d wondered if it was all the testosterone in the air, but I think it was more their playfulness that enveloped me. The way they added to one another’s jokes and stories was akin to a well-timed sitcom. But I suppose that’s what it’s like when family is together. The unspoken strength of their brotherly bond was equally admirable. It made me wish I had more girlfriends to share life with. I couldn’t help but notice that Broderick seemed more settled in himself, too; like the gap between his beloved past and entirely new reality had been bridged or reconciled in some way. I felt we were both benefiting from their visit in ways I couldn’t foresee- and it was only the first night.
After we’d been outside for nearly two hours, the cool bay breeze picked up and the jeans I thought would keep me warm were no longer doing the job. I started shivering. We were each sitting on our own lounge chair drinking in the view and libations in near-equal proportions when Alex noticed my body shuddering. Without hesitation, he slid his chair closer to mine and started rubbing my arms to warm them up. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed that, I was only able to last for so long before the chill was too much to bear. I gave Alex a well-placed ‘thank you’ squeeze on his shoulder for helping keep me warm before I headed inside for bed.
It was late the next morning when they filed into the kitchen one by one with weary eyes and crazy hair. Each nursed themselves back to life at the table where I’d set a plate of banana bread, while I prepared a large batch of matcha for lattes at the island. Watching them happily devour the fruits of my labor was such a pleasant start to the day.
I got comfortable on the couch with my latte and asked what their plans were for the day. Ascher and Alex deferred to Broderick, who suggested some sort of water sport. While brainstorming their options, Alex grabbed a blueberry muffin off the island and made his way into the living room. He peeled off the wrapper as he took a seat next to me. He propped his legs on the arm of the couch, then rested one arm lazily on my folded knee. Broderick ran through a list of nearby water rentals before Alex projected into the kitchen, “I vote for paddle boarding!” Then he shifted to face me, “You in?”
Laughing, I said, “Uhhh, no! My balance sucks on dry land. I’m not standing on a floating board. Thanks, though.” The three of them tried to convince me to change my mind, but I held my ground.
While they were off paddle boarding, I laid out by the pool and soaked up some sun. It was far more soothing to sunbathe during cool November afternoons than the grueling hot summer months, so it was the only time of year I really enjoyed it. I followed that up with a pampering shower to get ready for our evening out. We were going to a pub within walking distance, so I wanted to dress cute but comfortable. I put on black jeans, a lace tank, and my motorcycle-esk jacket since the night prior proved too chilly for just a t-shirt.
After they returned from their aquatic adventures and showered, we walked a few blocks to dinner. There, we got loaded up on drinks, became loud and slightly obnoxious as they relived the afternoon’s highlights, and I was tasked with being their wing woman for the night. Well, not tasked as much as volunteered; I get silly when I drink. We appreciated that women would trust another woman’s opinion of these sweet guys who just happened to be acting like buffoons, so I unleashed myself into the “wilds of society” to play match maker. It was slim pickings since most patrons could’ve been our parents, but the age-appropriate women I approached were great sports about the whole thing. I was able to retrieve one phone number for each of the guys before we headed home around midnight.
By the time we made it back to the house our boisterousness had worn off and everyone wanted to head straight to bed. So color me surprised when I was in my room getting undressed when someone knocked on the door. With my pajama shirt halfway over my head, I made my way across the room to find Alex just outside. He said he had a question for me.
He held up the number I’d gotten at the pub and asked if he should use it.
“Why not? She was sweet,” I hesitantly replied.
Towering me by what felt like an entire foot, he looked down at me with his gorgeous green eyes filled with innocence and repeated himself. This time he lightly rubbed my upper arm with his strong, sexy hand to suggest there was another option.
Even though that was exactly what I desired and the whole reason I wanted him to visit, I didn’t quite know how to answer. I stared toward the floor beside us as my heart raced and my face flushed with nervous lust.
Alex stepped closer to me and placed his hand on my hip. With his lips close enough to my ear for his warm breath to send tingles rushing down my body, he said, “You can let me know.” Then he lightly kissed my cheek and headed to bed.
That single interaction was riddled with both hunger and anxiety; I was as giddy with excitement as I was a mess with anticipation. But, mostly, I was elated to have a clear read on our potential direction.
I blushed upon first sight of Alex the following morning. The temperature in the room probably went up a few degrees, too, as heat radiated off my chest from simply being near him. I had to ventilate my shirt a few times when no one was looking just to cool off.
Aside from hot flashes, the morning unfolded similar to the one prior- hangovers, muffins, and talking about the day’s plans. It was Thanksgiving, though, so most businesses were going to be closed. We decided the best option was to laze by the pool and make pizza. As much as I quietly yearned to spend time alone with Alex, I knew it was important for the three of them to unwind like only brothers do so I kept myself busy for the most part.
I spent a portion of the day in my bedroom on the phone with relatives, including my mom and an elderly aunt who lived alone. I also emailed a quick greeting to my siblings and best girlfriend who were all undoubtedly busy preparing their feasts. By the time I’d finished all of that, my mind was consumed with thoughts of family and fond holiday memories. That led me to thinking about the massive life changes of the past year and, eventually, trying to determine if I’d gotten any closer to defining future goals. I was lying on my bed lost in thought and consumed by analysis when Alex showed up in the doorway.
I sat up, “Need something?”
He smiled, then walked peacefully into my room while running one hand through his disheveled blonde hair. He sat on the edge of my bed, and we settled into the moment. His left hand slowly made its way toward my bare thigh where he greeted me with the brush of his knuckles.
Aroused, yet apprehensive, I tried to pull my shorts down a little, but they didn’t budge.
Alex took the same piece of paper from his pocket as the night before and questioned with a soft version of his voice, “Give it any thought?”
I was filled with lust and attraction but, at the same time, astronomical amounts of fear. I’d only ever chosen to have sex with one man before. I didn’t know how to allow myself to do it- to be with someone…and so casually.
I tried to barrel through the dense emotions by leaning in for a kiss. I didn’t know what might happen, but I couldn’t think about it- I just had to act. I wasn’t even halfway into the lean when I felt his soft, full lips pressed against mine. Our tongues soon followed. He was such an intuitive kisser that I quickly lost myself in him. Alex braced the back of my head with one of his masculine hands, while the other steadied our union on my waist. Just as we’d reclined on my bed, with Alex on top of me, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Ascher had walked past my open door.
I nervously pushed against Alex’s chest and said I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything with the other guys walking around. Neither of us were thrilled about stopping, but he understood. He kissed my lips quickly, then stood up and resituated himself. Before he left my room, he jokingly groaned that he could use a cold shower. That sounded like a good idea to me, too.
The following day they planned on going to the indoor shooting range and wouldn’t accept my polite decline to join them. Even though I was hesitant to go, I really enjoyed myself. They kept me entertained by goofing off when they weren’t holding a weapon and being fiercely competitive while firing. Ascher was a surprisingly great shot for someone who’d never fired a gun before, while I was by far the worst and had prior experience. He tried helping me set my sight and improve my aim, but even my best shot that day earned me a hearty slice of humble pie. Meanwhile, the worst one permanently branded me when a hot shell popped off and fell down my shirt.
We went for gyros after the range to fuel up before an afternoon of swimming and volleyball. With midday heat, cool water, and an overcast sky, nature practically begged us to spend the day outside. Even hours into our backyard fun when we got hungry again, we opted for takeout so we could continue enjoying the perks of coastal life for as long as possible.
Once the sun had set, Ascher suggested we head to a club or bar. I felt tired from the day’s misadventures and decided to stay home. Broderick’s face suggested he was just as tired but didn’t want to let his brother down, so he agreed to take the guys out.
While the three of them were changing for their night out, I got comfortable on the couch in my pajamas. I turned the TV on to find something to watch, but flipped through the channel guide three times before I gave up and proceeded to my bedroom. I wished the guys a fun evening along the way.
I melted into my bed as soon as my body touched it. The last couple of days and nights had caught up with me and it felt like it wouldn’t be long before I was fast asleep. That is, until Alex showed up at my door again. Startled, I sat up and said, “I thought you guys left already. I heard the garage door close and…,” I drifted off in confusion.
He stood casually in the doorway, looking fine as hell, then leaned against its frame, “I told them I needed a night off from drinking and wanted to stay in.” His kind eyes and sweet smile were clouded by unease that he’d been presumptuous about staying behind. Little did he know I was purring inside. My heart skipped a beat, too. My hand patted the bed to invite him in.
He sat beside me, and we looked into each other’s eyes. His stunning greens were somehow both seductive and pure. They pierced through me in the most inviting of ways. Our undeniable chemistry made it abundantly clear that my answer to whatever he was thinking was YES. I leaned myself back, silently begging him to follow my lead. He didn’t hesitate. Alex tenderly climbed on top of me, and we continued where we’d left off the day prior.
Gentle kissing with soft lips and friendly connection quickly escalated to tangoing tongues and pulsating bodies. We couldn’t help it. There was no middle ground for us. Each time he tried to come up for air, I bit his lower lip and lured him back to me. I ached to taste him. When I succumbed to the need for air myself, I offered up my décolletage for him to nuzzle. His warm breath tickled as it provocatively wrapped itself around my neck like a dewy scarf, causing me to squirm beneath his firm body.
He made his way down to my chest, kissing and sucking the whole way. He paused when he saw the fresh burn peeking out from my shirt. “Does it hurt?” he asked as his finger traced far outside the wound.
I shook my head no. I didn’t want talking to preoccupy either of our lips.
He kissed the newest addition to my scar collection before sliding the neck of my shirt down to kiss the fullest part of my breast. He briefly wandered along my collar bone before going in for another passionate kiss. A kiss so deep and fueled it drove his hands to wander the rest of my body. I took pleasure in every second of it.
When his right hand made its way under my shirt and was firmly squeezing my bare breast, my body revved up. I greedily wrestled off his shirt in response. I wanted him so badly I would’ve ripped it off him if I were strong enough. He followed suit, and both of our shirts were on the floor in no time.
Anticipation continued to build as our tongues stroked, teeth nipped, and lips sucked every fleshy inch they could make contact with. Alex unzipped his shorts but left them on while our bodies remained intertwined. He caressed my midsection before cautiously guiding his hand into my underwear. I could tell my body was drooling for him by the way his hand practically slipped inside me. Embarrassed, I bit my lip and turned my head to the side. He pressed his engorged lap into mine to assure me that his body was just as primed. I tugged at the band of his boxer briefs requesting he reveal his impressive staff. He removed the rest of his clothes while I did mine, then we rolled on protection.
He went in for the fateful plunge, but my body tensed up. He shifted gears and gently kissed my lips while cradling my cheek. His open mouth trailed down to my breasts, sucking on my body until moans coaxed a second attempt. When he tried to penetrate, my body tensed up once more and I squeezed my eyes closed.
He paused.
I could feel him hovering over me, looking at me, so I kept my eyes closed as they began to water. I had to turn my face away from his gaze. With a compassionate tone, he asked, “What is it?”
A single teardrop fell onto my pillow as I was confronted with a barrage of reasons why this was far more difficult for me than I thought it “should be.” I opened my eyes and was filled with overwhelming remorse at the sight of his sensitive face staring back at me.
I could feel his genuine concern as he wiped the tears from my eyes. After a moment, he asked if it had to do with my ex. While that was only part of it, I nodded yes for simplicity’s sake.
His expression morphed into that of complete understanding. He removed his body from mine and flopped onto the bed, “It’s ok if you’re not ready.”
I fretfully covered myself with the sheet and apologized, explaining that I thought I was.
“It’s okay. These things take time,” he kissed my exposed shoulder.
I apologized repeatedly and reiterated how attracted to him I was. Even though I really wanted to be with him, some part of me was preventing my body from surrendering to the moment.
To which he replied, “You don’t have to explain. Break-ups aren’t easy, and I can’t imagine what it’s like after being married.”
I was so grateful he didn’t press the issue. There was no way I could unpack those catastrophic burdens while lying naked next to him. I barricaded myself with all the linens and pillows on my bed just trying to comfort myself.
“Do you want some time to yourself?” he asked as he handed me my shirt from the floor.
As much as I didn’t want him to go, I shook my head yes.
He gave me one last tender kiss, then grabbed his clothes from the floor and redressed. He warmly reminded me to take care of myself before leaving my room.
In that moment, I didn’t know how to. I also felt incredibly angry with myself for thinking I was ready when I wasn’t, and for simply not being ready to share the company of such an amazing man. Alex was insanely attractive, intelligent, funny, and compassionate, too. He was the perfect man to take this step with. But my body failed me- again! A storm of self-loathing raged in my mind, and guilt in my heart, until I fell asleep.
It was still there the next morning.
All I wanted to do was avoid the guys, but I knew I had to leave my bedroom at some point. I ventured into the kitchen with great trepidation and found the three of them scrounging through the fridge and cabinets for something to eat. They teased me for letting them run out of baked goods and blamed Alex for inhaling the last muffin when he woke up. With all of their good-natured ribbing, I felt more at ease and opted to hang around the kitchen for a while. I just avoided eye contact with Alex.
I grabbed an apple from the island and tried to make my way past Alex and Broderick to join Ascher at the table. But as I was passing Alex, he playfully pulled me into him and pretended to steal the apple from me. He joked that one muffin just wasn’t going to cut it for breakfast. While Ascher and Broderick joined in the teasing, Alex rubbed my back and whispered into my ear, “No hard feelings, K?”
I took a deep breath as the weight lifted from my chest. I never wish to hurt anyone and hated that I’d concocted their visit only to have led Alex on for no reason. I’d felt tremendous guilt and feared I’d ruined our friendship, so his empathy and consolation meant the world to me in that moment.
The two of them headed back to Portland the following day, and I continued to stay in touch with Alex through email and texts. It seemed we were star-crossed or destined to be just friends and I’d have to find a way to make peace with that. But, first, I’d have to make peace with the suppressed emotions our close encounter drudged up. I detested that seeking physical comfort and gratification from a caring man I genuinely admired would unearth so much buried within me, but that’s exactly what it did.