Chapter 10: Carving a New Path
I returned to Florida several days later but wasn’t entirely sure how long it took Nate to notice. I immediately resumed my role as housewife by catching up on laundry, cooking dinner, washing dishes, packing Nate’s lunches, scheduling home maintenance appointments, and so on. A routine I knew all too well. When I wasn’t focused on that area of life, I was digging deep within myself trying to unearth a hidden dream worthy of devoting my time and attention to.
The first idea I entertained was opening my own business. Baking had been a lifelong passion that had always reconnected me with my true self; the calm, centered, and most peaceful parts of me that seemed so elusive during day-to-day life. It also gifted me the ability to transcend time. It brought me into each present moment as my hands mixed, chopped, and folded ingredients, while simultaneously connecting me to generations past and opened my heart to what the future could hold. Being in the kitchen was magical for me. It wasn’t just a creative outlet, it was therapeutic. And somewhere along the way, I’d realized sharing food that I created from scratch was a means of self-expression. It might even be my first language; the first way I’d learned to fully communicate what was in my heart with those I loved.
For all the reasons baking had been so dear to me, I was afraid of jeopardizing it with an amateur business venture. I didn’t want to risk losing that connection with myself and my primary means of self-expression all in one pass. But on an even deeper level, I wonder if I was afraid of letting go of the only dream I knew of. If I’d had another in mind, I would have one dream to work towards and one nestled safely in my bosom in case my initial attempts were a bust. A security blanket of sorts. But from a purely realistic perspective, I knew kitchen work was no easy feat, and suspected baking on a large scale would be grueling. My growing number of hesitations prompted me to continue brainstorming the possibilities.
Several weeks of soul searching went by and I hadn’t felt any farther along on my quest than when I’d started. Fortunately, though, I’d managed to preserve the tiny glimmer of hope that there could be another, albeit very hidden, dream inside me waiting to be discovered. I just needed to relax into it; to allow it to feel safe enough to be heard. I tried my best to be patient with the process, but it wasn’t easy.
Then Broderick called. Thank goodness for that.
The business opportunity in Florida had taken shape and Broderick was going to be in town for four days of meetings with the local team. He wanted to know if I’d be interested in attending two evening events since they were open to spouses and significant others. Even though I felt intimidated about mingling with such accomplished professionals while I struggled desperately to find my place in the world, I wanted to support Broderick and his new endeavor, so I signed on to be his date.
That meant I had some work to do before he arrived.
The majority of my wardrobe fell into the category of '“athleisure” since I’d spent most days at home tending to chores or computer work. Even when I did venture beyond those confines, I typically wore sundresses or cropped jeans with some sort of T-shirt because it was Florida- the land of casual wear. Any cocktail dresses or elegant ensembles I had were from before I’d gained baby weight… or hormone roller coaster weight. Regardless of the distinction, there was no point in trying on what I had in the closet. I needed to shop for evening attire.
I immediately dug through the stash of accessories I’d accumulated over the years for inspiration. When I found two sparkly purses and a pair of elegant black strappy shoes, a huge wave of relief washed over me. I may have put on a few pounds, but my feet were still the same size, which meant I could avoid a much-dreaded hunt for shoes. I’d always found that to be an arduous task. My large feet never fit into anything stores had in stock, so being able to avoid that errand instantly put my mind at ease.
A few days later I searched several nearby department stores for anything– dresses, pants, jumpsuits, etc.— that had the perfect blend of beautiful and tastefully professional. That was far more difficult than I expected it to be. I exhausted every item at my disposal before opting for classic black pants and a dramatic white blouse with waist-cinching sash and oversized sleeves for one night. For the other, an all-black cocktail dress with a v-neckline and a handful of sequins creatively stitched down the otherwise sheer sleeves. It was a taxing feat to get to those decisions, but obtaining two attractive new outfits for the upcoming events helped me feel a little more confident about attending.
Two weeks passed before the night of our first business dinner. Nate was at the gym when Broderick came to pick me up, so I left a short note on the counter stating I brought my house keys, which implied he didn’t have to wait up for me. We still only had one car in the family since mine had been totaled months earlier, so Nate probably had no idea where I’d gone or how I’d gotten there. Unfortunately, though, I failed to think of that beforehand. I felt anxious about the night ahead and only thought to note my having keys before hurrying out with Broderick.
During our drive, all Broderick could talk about was how impressed he was with the car- an electric sedan his new boss had lent him. Portland had a variety of public transit options and a certain walkability about it, so Broderick didn’t need to drive all that much in his day-to-day life. He typically walked or biked to work since his office was only a mile from home and reserved driving for weekends when he went up to the mountains for a hike. Being able to open up the surprisingly powerful, eco-friendly loaner car on the relatively empty Florida highway was exhilarating for him. I don’t think anything could’ve wiped the boyish smile from his face. Honestly, it was adorable to watch a grown man exude such childlike joy. I hadn’t seen that side of him in years.
Broderick’s exuberance melted into reserved charm at the hall when he introduced me to a few of his new colleagues. They were genuinely warm and welcoming to the both of us, which quelled some of the social anxiety that had surfaced upon entering the sea of complete strangers.
The more we mingled, the more I felt at ease around Broderick’s counterparts thanks to their collective humility and enthusiasm for their work. Most conversations I’d overheard centered on the firm’s goals and overall interest in creating a healthier world. It was touching. And it became abundantly clear why Broderick loved working in his chosen profession.
I also learned more about the firm’s new venture over the course of the evening. Broderick’s current boss, Gary, had been practicing law for nearly forty years and had been reluctantly considering retirement. He just couldn’t imagine a life without law, though. An opportunity for compromise presented itself when Gary’s lifelong friend decided to expand his Florida-based firm. The move would enable him to still be involved in law and serve as a mentor but would drastically cut back on time at the office since he’d no longer be running his own firm. It sounded like a comfortable fit for everyone.
Other conversations were grossly over my head, but I found them to be enjoyable all the same. Being surrounded by good-natured people with an honorable agenda was invigorating- medicinal, even. I nearly forgot it was a business dinner. I could tell interacting with his new colleagues had been just as rewarding for Broderick. He’d been feeling torn about leaving Portland for Florida but appeared to be effortlessly flowing with his choice by night’s end.
The evening left the two of us in good spirits, with Broderick as grateful for my company as I was for the refreshing night out. He knew the following day was going to be full of meetings, so we finalized our plans for the second event on our drive home. He’d pick me up at six o’clock Saturday evening for the celebratory dinner that served as the closing bell for the week’s exchanges. It sounded like it would be a little more “party” and a little less shoptalk, so I was grateful to have a cocktail dress set aside for it.
We pulled up to my house shortly before eleven and all the lights were off. I assumed Nate was already asleep. I quietly entered and made my way towards the master bedroom, using my phone to light the way. But before I got very far, Nate exited the spare bedroom with an empty plate in hand and entered the kitchen where I was standing. He didn’t say a word. He tossed the plate into the steel sink, causing stoneware shards to fly into the air. I shrieked, but Nate still didn’t say anything.
“What the hell?” I snarled.
“That’s why you weren’t home tonight?” he accused as he gestured to the driveway where Broderick had just been.
“Like it matters? We haven’t been on the same page for months,” I said defensively, yet calmly. Trying my best not to escalate things further.
“If you want to be with someone else, just tell me. Don’t go behind my back and leave cryptic messages,” he barked as he crumpled the note I’d left on the counter and threw it next to the sink.
“I left a note so I wasn’t going behind your back or sneaking out like a teenager. I would have gladly told you more if it seemed like you cared. And, we’re just friends. It was a business dinner,” I said before heading to our bedroom to get undressed. From which I shouted just loud enough for him to hear me, “And, I’m going out Saturday night, too!”
I tried to remain composed on the outside, but I was furious that Nate waited until he was enraged before he expressed any interest in me, or us, again. As if I was a toy he’d lost interest in, but wouldn’t allow anyone else to play with either. That was a breaking point for me, with regard to our relationship. And even though I’d never done anything like it before, I decided to retaliate.
The following day when Nate was at work, I got a ride to the mall. There I set out to find the sexiest pair of heels that would fit my gigantic feet and, hopefully, the mac daddy of undergarments to squeeze my curves into all the right places. The shoes I bought were strappy and sexy, but not the ones I really wanted—those weren’t in stock, of course. The runners-up would have to do since I was down to the wire on time. I also found one body shaper that appeared to do miracles for me in the dressing room, but whose true power would only be revealed underneath my dress.
Saturday afternoon came and I spent nearly two hours getting ready for my evening out. Nate was home when I stepped into the shower but was gone by the time I finished. I assumed he was blowing off steam at the gym since that’s where he spent most of his spare time, but I couldn’t be certain. I started my transformation from housewife to anything resembling sexy by squeezing all of me into that seemingly undersized body shaper. I broke a sweat and wondered why I’d even bothered showering, at first, but found the strenuous effort had been worthwhile after I slipped my dress on. Damn! I looked good!
I put my bathrobe on over my dress so I could safely apply my makeup. I paid extra attention to my eyes and created a more dramatic look than days earlier. I kept my hair simple, though. It was just past shoulder length at the time, so I opted for tousled, but elegant. When I disrobed and checked out the whole package in the mirror, I was impressed with how I’d come together. I was a little concerned that my new undergarments pushed my breasts together too much for the v-neckline of the dress, but I didn’t have any backup outfits. I figured if it was too inappropriate for the event, Broderick would tell me and we could figure something else out before we left. I completed my ensemble with an over-the-counter pain reliever just in case the heels were too much for my temperamental back.
By 6 p.m. Broderick was in my driveway. I hurried out the best I could in my new, much too tall shoes and noticed an unfamiliar look on his face as I slid into the passenger seat. He appeared pale at first, then became flushed. I nervously asked if what I was wearing was suitable for the event and started anxiously picking at my dress and fussing with my hair. He cleared his throat and said I looked fine as he backed out of the driveway.
The drive felt tense compared to the one just a couple days earlier, so I asked if everything was alright. I wondered if, perhaps, the business meetings hadn’t gone as planned. He side-glanced at my legs and said he was just caught off guard. He wasn’t used to seeing me that dressed up.
I laughed and said, “Yeah. Quite the contrast to sweat pants and oversized T’s, huh?” as I motioned to what I was wearing.
After we enjoyed a quick chuckle at my expense, the energy shifted back to normal, which set the stage for a comfortable evening with his colleagues.
The rest of the night went off without a hitch. It was the end of a busy week ironing out the nuances of the upcoming collaboration, so alcohol flowed as freely as the conversations. Colleagues and spouses mixed and mingled like it was a family reunion- the good kind. I heard all about Gary’s two grown sons from his wife, as well as, so and so’s charitable work, and what’s his name’s ecotourism adventures. I don’t recall everyone’s name because I must’ve spoken to about forty people while under the influence, but I do remember how uniquely interesting they all were. I could tell Broderick would really enjoy being part of their world.
The evening closed with the announcement that the new partnership would be fully underway within two months, which was equal parts exciting and surprising. It was also when it started to feel real that Broderick was moving to Florida.
During the drive back to my house, I asked Broderick countless questions about his plans for transitioning into his new position. The real estate market wasn’t where he wanted it to be, so he was going to lease his condo in Portland instead of pushing through a sale he wasn’t happy with. He also anticipated renting some sort of living space near his new office while he settled into the Florida lifestyle. He was most excited about selling his old car that he’d had all through college and grad school and upgrading to an electric car like the one he’d been loaned. Broderick’s voice was filled with optimism. He was giving up a lot to explore this new venture, so it made me incredibly happy to know he’d found several things to be excited about moving forward.
We enjoyed the remainder of the ride plotting fun things to do once he moved to Florida. It had been far too long since we’d lived near one another.
When we arrived at my house, Broderick got out of the car and gave me a tight hug goodnight. He thanked me several times for attending the work functions with him so he didn’t have to go alone, then joked he might need to hire me again because there would surely be more to attend. We were both excited to reconnect in a few short weeks.
Then I turned to face what awaited me inside.
I’d been able to block the marital woes out of my mind all night, but there was no escaping them once I laid eyes on our house. I was neither eager nor ready to enter. But, unfortunately, felt it necessary to do so quickly because Broderick wouldn’t leave until I was safely inside. It seemed near impossible to coax my feet to move.
Once inside, I could tell Nate was in the spare bedroom. The light was on, and I thought I’d heard a heavy breath as I passed by on my way to the master. There was complete silence otherwise, so I suspected he was doing push-ups. As I reached for the master doorknob, I accidentally dropped one of my heels, which caused quite a ruckus. Nate poked his head out. He looked me up and down with clenched jaw before closing the door in anger.
That was the moment I quietly acknowledged it was time we had a conversation about the fate of our marriage. But I knew it would have to wait until our emotions dissipated a bit. I lifted the proverbial rug and swept the embers under it for the night, hoping the right opportunity would present itself in the very near future.
Over a week of contemplating what I’d say to Nate passed before I finally had that sit down with him. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but it needed to take place- for both our sake. I did my best to explain how the miscarriages had changed me and how it felt like they’d changed us as a couple. I also pointed out that we were in the process of rebuilding our relationship when I’d gotten pregnant and miscarried the first time. Everything unfolded unexpectedly and rapidly, and I’d questioned whether we were ever ready to embark on the parental path because we were still finding our footing as a “new” couple when it all started.
Nate wasn’t immediately able to express many thoughts and feelings in his own words, but he agreed with everything I’d unloaded.
I ended by saying that it was time for me to take that solo adventure I didn’t take years earlier. I needed there to be physical distance between us—Distance to air out the pain we inadvertently triggered when we looked at each other. Distance to let the past fade away and, hopefully, heal like a scab that isn’t constantly picked at. Distance to discover who we were as individuals, rather than as someone’s spouse or expectant parents. We both needed time and distance apart.
Even though it broke our hearts, we knew it was what was best for each of us. We both needed to find our unique selves, away from the other, and create the lives we wanted to live. We needed to walk away from the traditional path of thirty-somethings we’d found ourselves on and forge the ones we found more fulfilling.
Not one to shy too far from pragmatism, I explained to Nate that even though I would always love him, I wanted him to be happy—no matter what that looked like. If he were to fall in love with someone else, I’d support him. If he were to find someone else who wanted to have his baby, I’d support him. If he wanted to re-enlist in the military or move away to start a new career, I’d support him. The separation was meant to help us each heal from a past that kept haunting us, and to find the lives that made us happy. It wasn’t about giving up, or due to failure on either of our parts. We deserved healing and personal growth and I felt time apart was necessary to that process.
Being that Nate was the one who’d gone to work every day to pay for our home and all that was in it, I felt it only fair that he continued living there while I moved out. I didn’t have much money, only some book royalties in savings and stocks, but I knew I’d have to figure it out. I had no idea what it would be like to start a life as a single, career-less woman in her mid-thirties, but I was about to find out.