Chapter 2: Married Life
Five years ago, I was just as many years into my marriage to Nate. He’d held a piece of my heart for upwards of fifteen years by that point, though. We’d enjoyed a heartfelt long-distance friendship in high school, then were doubly blessed when our feelings developed into true love over time.
Nate held a comfortable job that financially supported us while I juggled my doctoral education and publishing my first book. We both appreciated how his ability to sustain us afforded me the opportunity to pursue the dreams we had for our future. However, a time came when I felt spread thin and out of my depth with my endeavors. Since I couldn’t delegate any of my doctoral work, I decided to seek help with the final stages of my book.
I sought to hire a local editor to fine-tune my manuscript before sending it to my publisher, so a friend with vast social and professional networks recommended someone for the job. With that and without ever seeing it head my way, life threw me the fastest curveball.
When I innocently sat down with the potential editor of my book—a handsome man six years my junior—life got very confusing.
Blaine was in his mid-twenties and worked for the town’s newspaper but looked more like an Abercrombie model than a wordsmith. His hobbies of kiteboarding and stand-up paddle boarding, which I’d come to learn about later, had sculpted a mighty impressive physique. His mental prowess and quick wit were quite a turn on, as well. There was an unspoken innocence or wounded air about him that snuck past his bravado when he let his guard down. I found that endearing.
Honestly, though, I didn’t take note of Blaine’s many attractive attributes until after I’d felt an energetic pull towards him. When we introduced ourselves and shook hands, it felt as if a new gravitational force had been created and we were the only ones affected by it. An instantaneous and undeniable attraction towards this stranger had emerged out of thin air. I’d never felt that chemistry with anyone other than Nate before. Blaine’s body language suggested the feeling was mutual.
He steered the conversation towards casual, playful banter, but I tried to act like a professional and limit such chatter. Minimizing our personal connection was my first line of defense against the sexual attraction. It didn’t work, though. I focused my questions on his experience with editing, fee structure, expected time frame for the project, and any other matters I thought pertinent to the book. Blaine, on the other hand, kept wondering off topic. Before I knew it, he was sharing photos of his dog with me.
Maybe it was because Blaine was the only recommendation I’d received for an editor or, perhaps, it was the potent energy I’d felt around him, but I decided not to look any further. I offered him the job a few days after we first met, and he gladly accepted the terms I’d laid out. He was going to work on my book when he wasn’t at his day job and we would stay in regular contact through email and phone, with occasional in-person meetings at a local coffee shop. We shook on those terms and went on our merry way.
Then Blaine took it upon himself to add social media to the mix.
Immediately after I’d hired him, Blaine engaged me in a social capacity and was flirtatious through all forms of contact even though he knew I was married. I didn’t read too much into it, though, as I’d suspected he flirted with everyone. He seemed to rely on his charm and physical appearance as heavily as the rest of us rely on oxygen. But there was still something about him that got to me. I didn’t realize the extent of which until it affected my relationship with Nate.
Prior to meeting Blaine, I was undoubtedly in love with my husband. Nate was the only constant source of love, encouragement, support, and joy in my life since we started living together in our early twenties. I had pets whom I loved dearly, but my human family was dysfunctional and my closest friends had been scattered around the country since college. Nate was more than my husband, really- he was my best friend and true love all wrapped up in one. I considered him my soulmate. That made my attraction to Blaine wildly unexpected and distressing, to say the least.
I still loved my husband despite the palpable magnetism towards Blaine. I just questioned the type of love it was or was meant to be. Feeling such strong emotions for both men at the same time was as new to me as it was baffling. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how my physical desire for Blaine persisted despite his increasingly obvious idiosyncrasies: he often failed to complete tasks on time, he infrequently returned emails and phone calls, and his ego probably could’ve taken its own car to our meetings. All were qualities I disdained, which caused the persistent attraction to weigh heavily on me. Who was this person and how could the chemistry with him supersede all rational thought?
Realizing I could feel so strongly about someone who wasn’t Nate consumed me. An attempt to lighten my workload and ease stress had, instead, derailed my heart and taken over my mind. I constantly thought about Nate and Blaine, my relationships, my past, my future… Trying to cope with all of my musings left me emotionally drained.
Eventually I came to understand that it wasn’t my hunger for Blaine that stirred up the most conflict within me. Rather, it was the mere fact that such conflict could be stirred up at all. I wondered how a love that had spanned nearly two decades with someone who’d stood by my side through life’s ups and downs could be eclipsed by an energetic connection with a man I’d just met. Did I make a mistake? Was I meant to be with Blaine—or someone else out there in the world? Were Nate and I fated to have a love that served as the foundation for adulthood, but then have a second act that didn’t include one another? Even if we were meant to be in each other’s lives for a while longer, might our relationship be called to transform into that of friends instead of romantic partners? The cozy little world I’d created with my husband had turned into chaos and I was struggling.
I was open with Nate every step of the way because I respected him too much to hide my feelings behind a fake smile. I explained that I’d been blindsided by feelings for another man and that such emotions had caused me to dissect everything I’d ever known. I shared with him how I wondered if we’d gotten together too young, if we’d misread our soulmate connection, and countless variations of those themes.
Nate was always a go-with-the-flow type of guy and understanding beyond measure, but it was still a surprise when he was sympathetic to my emotional plight.
At some point during that period of incessant self-obsessed pondering, I’d realized that my going directly from being someone’s daughter to someone’s wife—and never really exploring the world as an independent woman—might be a contributing factor to my dilemma. Did I even know who I was outside of the roles I’d been playing? There were so many unanswered questions.
I shared those thoughts with Nate, as well, and proposed that spending some time apart might help me reach personal revelations about our relationship, as well as my individual self. He took that in stride, too. Nate was amazing that way. He knew I still loved him deeply and treasured the life we’d shared, but appreciated that if there was any hope for a future together, I’d need to reconcile the uncertainties that stirred within.
It was daunting to know that the fate of our relationship hung on any insights I’d (or we’d) unearth during our time apart, but we both felt the benefits of uncovering our hearts’ truest desires outweighed any discomfort or pain the journey might cause. Nate fully supported my wish to venture into the world by myself and vowed to respect any decisions I’d come to while seeking clarity of heart, mind, and soul.