Hey hey,
Welcome back to my world. I truly hope you’re doing well. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, energetically, environmentally, nutritionally… ALLLL THE WAYS. Seriously. That’s my wish for you and everyone on this planet…or galaxy... I dunno. I’m trying to stay grounded right now.
So, trauma dumping. ::sigh:: If you’re reading my work, you’re no stranger to trauma (I’m sorry about that), so you’re probably also familiar with trauma dumping. Whether you’d personally done it before you knew there were other ways to process and express your experiences/ related feelings or been on the ‘receiving’ end, I’m sure you know what I’m referring to. When a person who hasn’t fully processed the traumas they’d experienced and verbally dump it at “socially inappropriate” times. Of course that’s subjective, but I’ll trust you know what I mean and just move on.
So, I was at a meet-up with four other adults over the weekend. Some of us hadn’t seen each other in years, so there was a lot of catching up to do. Overall it was a lovely day. However, there was a secondhand trauma dumper amongst the group that made the afternoon challenging. (Not only at the time, but in the days that followed). I describe this person as a secondhand trauma dumper because they repeatedly listed the traumas their loved one had experienced- not the stress and degree of trauma they felt as a result of helping their loved one cope. I suppose that added to the surprise factor. Meaning, the dumping wasn’t something I’d prepared for. Had their loved one been at the event, I would likely have had my guard up in case such triggers as rape, abortion, eating disorders, depression, suicide, etc. had made their way into the conversation (or elected not to attend based on my mental state at the time), but that wasn’t the case. Also, the last time I’d interacted with either person, the trigger topics were discussed only to the extent that they were things experienced in the past (no details and certainly not spoken about in rapid-fire succession). So while they may have been doing their own healing work to get to the point of verbalizing such topics more “comfortably,” I wasn’t aware of that shift, making the expectation of hearing such matters blurted out during casual conversation not on my radar. Had I known, I may have reconsidered my approach to the gathering.
But now I do, so that leaves me with questions.
I understand that my ability -or inability- to cope with what others dish out is my responsibility as an adult. I also appreciate that we live in a world that has become increasingly aware of how we communicate ourselves to others. #TriggerWarning So where is the line between taking responsibility for how we respond to the world and taking responsibility for how we show up in it? I don’t want to live in a world solely centered on the “do first, ask for forgiveness later” mentality, nor do I care to live in a world where we don’t feel it safe, healthy, or acceptable to express our fullest version of self at each and every point of our (messy) journey as humans.
So, I ask again- where is the line between the two? Between acting without awareness or consideration for what others feel, and expressing the deep pain (or joy) that we’re feeling because we’re feeling it so intensely that it simply needs an outlet?
Where’s the line between expressing trauma and traumatizing others through expression?
If you know, please enlighten me.
After my friendly meet-up, I had to take herbs just to go to sleep due to the energy coursing through my system. Then I woke up about three hours later in a cold sweat, old traumas flooding my nervous system, my mind spinning just trying to figure out how to cope with my own experience as a human. That included anger that I’d woken up at all. Those precious moments could’ve been savored through the oblivion of sound sleep but, instead, had been interupted by the undutiful reemergence of old trauma. It took over an hour to fall back asleep but, in the morning, I awoke in the same fashion. I smelled like a linebacker after his second two-a-day from all the stress sweat I purged while sleeping.
But it didn’t end there. Throughout the following days, I’d found myself trying to discern how to handle interactions with this person (and similar people) in the future, all while physically, mentally, emotionally processing the traumas stored in my own system. Do I avoid socializing until I feel steady enough in myself to handle such conversations? Do I politely ask them to censor themself? That seems f’ed up. But at the same time, therapists call that setting boundaries. I’ve worked extremely hard on practicing boundary-setting in recent years, but still find myself unsure of where the line is.
Where is the line between expressing thyself and oppressing others through self-expression? I’m sure some very wise, thoughtful, and educated people have profound thoughts on the matter. God bless them for that. I hope they share their insights in ways that uplift the collective they reach, with the ripple effect of kindness, gentleness, compassion, insight, integrity, and responsibility washing over the entirety of the human race. Wouldn’t that be lovely? I have to hold hope for that, otherwise I may very well lose my mind.
I’ll be real with you, I’m having a hard time in this life and don’t know where I’d be without artistic expression (and my incredible, loving, devoted husband). So thank you for reading what I have to share and helping me feel like the pain might serve a greater purpose. Like I said at the outset, I truly hope you’re doing well.
Bless you,
-V-